My first ectopic baby was such a blessing because she taught me to wait on God, even in the face of death. I think so many times about what would have happened if I had allowed fear to rule me. I would have missed out on seeing God work, and I would have always wondered why God allowed that to happen to me. I believe our faith grows when we witness God at work.
Think of how the Israelites must have felt before they crossed the Red Sea. Do you think they knew the Red Sea was about to open up? Could they have even imagined such a glorious escape?
No…they were terrified and expected to die soon, wondering why on earth they had come this far to die.
“And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord…”
One moment all they can see is their certain death. The next moment, the sea opened up to them and they walked through on dry land. On the other side, they watched as their enemies entered the corridor to pursue them, only to be swallowed up by the sea and disappear. How often do we miss out on seeing God work in our lives because we allow our fear to dictate our actions? I know I nearly did.
I thought I had faith, but I’d never had to wait on God while facing death. I’m not a brave person or even a calm person. I tend to panic when faced with danger. So it was not easy for me to keep refusing “treatment” when I was pregnant with my first ectopic baby. I literally trembled with fear. At nearly 10 weeks, my ectopic finally showed up on an ultrasound “on or near” my right ovary. All my hopes were dashed to pieces. They told me she had most likely died weeks before. There was no baby to be seen, just a mass, which looked a lot like an ovarian cyst to me.
I became like the Israelites before the sea opened up. God was being strangely silent, the pain was getting worse, and I felt I was out of time. I let my fears get the best of me. I told my doctor that I wanted surgery, and to ensure this didn’t happen again, I told him to remove both tubes. (As if that would really remove all risk of ectopic. I was playing God.) Relieved by my choice, he left the room to schedule my surgery. While he was gone, I started to have doubts, something that always seems to happen when I make a choice before I hear from God. While waiting, I called my husband to discuss my doubts with him. What if the doctor was wrong, and I inadvertently killed my child by having the surgery? What if God had other plans; I still didn’t know! My husband and I felt we needed to wait on an answer from God before we could proceed with anything. I had been this close to missing out on seeing the sea open up before me.
That very day, we prayed and God finally answered us. I learned that he had heard my cries, I would be healed, and that I would receive confirmation in 3 days. The next morning when I awoke, the pain was gone. On the third day, just as promised, I received confirmation of God’s salvation at my doctor’s appointment. I learned that that my beta levels had dropped by 30%. Sadly, my baby didn’t make it, but it was proof that I was being saved. The placenta was shrinking, relieving pressure and pain. Over the next several weeks my blood hormone levels were monitored to ensure that the placenta was indeed continuing to shrink. Meanwhile, I processed everything and came to understand why God had allowed this to happen. First of all, it was for his glory. In other words, everyone involved who saw what he did couldn’t help but come away thinking “God is loving. God is able.” It also taught me to wait on the Lord. In the past, if God didn’t work on my schedule, I doubted that he was working in my life at all. Now I know better.
God wants me to tell you that no matter what decisions you have to make in life, he can make them for you if you will trust him. Can you wait on his answer? He loves you and knows everything. Therefore, his ways are always best. We only have the peace we seek when we trust him.
I leave you with these words that God wants me to share with you today, “Be still and know that I am God.”